There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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