he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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