my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
