oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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