I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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