i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
