you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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