why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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