my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
