I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
