I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
