just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
