wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
