I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize