mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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