Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Soap is not a condiment
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
