this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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