Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize