There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
