I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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