Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
