Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
