can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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