I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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