Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
