Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
