First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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