That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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