I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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