Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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