This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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