you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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