Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i think i just lost a toe
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
