just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
