I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
