I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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