The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
