Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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