What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
