Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize