I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
