I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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