Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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