The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
