I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
