Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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