eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
