I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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