I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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