Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize