I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
