don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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