Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize