come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
