I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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