my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
