he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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