worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
