woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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